


I'm Never Making Another Joke About Writing a Fic as a Gag Again

by Distracteddiddlin



Category: HLVRAI - Fandom, Half Life VR But The AI Is Self-Aware
Genre: ????? I Loathe to tag this as crackfic but.... its real damn close, HLVRAI, One-Sided Attraction, Teasing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-03
Updated: 2020-06-03
Packaged: 2021-03-03 23:33:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 944
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24523897
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Distracteddiddlin/pseuds/Distracteddiddlin
Summary: I made a joke at axton and I woke up a day later with this in my documents, where am I?
Comments: 5
Kudos: 53





	I'm Never Making Another Joke About Writing a Fic as a Gag Again

**Author's Note:**

  * For [garydactyl](https://archiveofourown.org/users/garydactyl/gifts).



The science team hadn't seen any "ropes," U.S. military or explosives in over an hour, leaving Gordon alone in his thoughts for the first time in what felt like a week. He sighed.

"Something wrong, Mr. Freeman?" Dr. Coomer asked.

Gordon grumbled to himself. "What exactly is that guy's damage?!?" He angrily blurted out.

" _Who?_ " Asked Dr. Bubby.

"Fucking Benry!" Hissed Gordon, gesticulating wildly. "Why does he have it out for me?" 

"I don-- d-- I think he's just that way in general," said Tommy.

"Nonononono, he's been targeting _**me** specifically _since before this whole mess went down."

"Well maybe if you didn't leave your passport behind," said Dr. Coomer.

"You did leave it behind," said Dr. Bubby.

"Oh _no your passport! Mr. Freeman we left it all the way back in the lockers,_ that's like all the way at the start!" Said Tommy.

"We'll just have to go back for it," said Dr. Bubby, turning the other way.

" _No!_ No-- _**No!**_ " Said Gordon, gesticulating wildly. "We are _not_ going all the way back for my passport!"

"Gordon, it's important to always carry around your passport here at Black Mesa--" said Dr. Coomer. 

"I _**KNOW**_ I don't have my passport-- this isn't about the passport! L--like remember back when we were in the locker room? And--and then he said my son Joshua looked a bit shit? What was up with _that?_ "

"He did sort've have a point," said Dr. Bubby.

Gordon stared silently at him.

"What?" Said Dr. Bubby.

Gordon sighed, his hands kneading at his temples. "Look just-- just forget it. He's just a weirdo that has _fixated_ on making specifically _my_ life hell-- Dr. Coomer what the hell is that look for?"

Dr. Coomer was smiling widely, cocking his head to one side as he looked at Gordon. "Ah! Isn't young love beautiful?" He chirped.

"...... _What?_ " Asked Gordon. "N-- no. Absolutely not."

"Come now Gordon, haven't you ever had someone have their eye on you before?"

" _What?_ No!"

"Aww, that's…... really sad, Mr. Freeman," said Tommy with a frown.

"There's a first time for everything!" Said Dr. Coomer, grinning widely.

Gordon let out a soft, exasperated chuckle. " _No_ , no that's not what I _meant_ ," he said. "This is not… like emotional dysfunction, this is just evil."

"Come now Gordon, Benry is just shy when it comes to expressing himself," said Dr. Coomer. 

"It's true, he is very shy," concurred Dr. Bubby.

"This is not boyish affection! This is psychopathy!" Yelled Gordon.

"Well that was rude," declared Dr. Bubby.

Gordon sighed. "Listen--"

"Yes?" Said Dr. Coomer and Dr. Bubby in unison.

Gordon sighed again. "Listen to me. Benry does _not_ have a crush on me. He is _not_ just trying to tease me. I am pretty sure he has been _actively trying to kill me_ since the beginning."

"Come now Gordon, I've seen enough to know young love when I see it!" Said Dr. Coomer. 

"I am in the middle of my thirties. I have _no idea_ about Benry, I don't know if he even _has_ an age," pointed out Gordon.

Dr. Coomer and Dr. Bubby both stared pointedly at Gordon. " _Ah, **young love**. Isn't it beautiful?_" Repeated Dr. Coomer, emphasizing every word. 

Gordon dragged his hands down his face. "That's not-- _nevermind…_ " He shook his head as he gestured for everyone to keep moving. "Let's keep heading to the lab."

Dr. Bubby shrugged and followed his lead, followed by Dr. Coomer, and lastly Tommy. It… didn't take very long for the silence to be broken once again. Tommy had had a thought, one he couldn't keep from wondering. The wondering soon became pondering. And the pondering became musing, which soon became asking aloud. 

"Dr. Freeman?" Asked Tommy. 

"Yeah Tommy?"

"Are you guys going to invite us to the wedding?” Tommy asked.

"What? No!" Spluttered Gordon.

"Wow rude," said Bubby, scowling at Gordon as Tommy sadly frowned.

"Aren't we your friends, Gordon?" Asked Dr. Coomer. 

"Wh-- no, I mean we're not-- not getting married--" stammered Mr. ~~Feetman~~ Freeman.

"Fair choice Gordon. The institution of modern-day marriage is little more than ceremonial clapirons!" Declared Dr. Coomer. 

" _That's_ what you said after the fourth divorce," said Bubby.

"How… many times have you been married, Dr. Coomer?" Asked Gordon. 

"That's not important!" Said Dr. Coomer. 

"I, well--" Gordon tried to interject.

"What _is_ important is that you're shattering poor Benry's dreams of the altar!" Said Dr. Coomer. 

Gordon sighed tiredly. "And what exactly are we basing all of this on? Hmm? 'Cause it kinda sounds like you guys are just making this up at this point."

"Don't you think Benry would like to stand at the altar with you in a nice wedding gown?" Asked Tommy, utterly ignoring Gordon's question.

"I'm… pretty sure if anything he'd be in like, a shitty tuxedo-print t-shirt and cargo shorts-- _no that is **beside the point!**_ We are not getting married! We are not dating! And we are not in any sort of tender or loving relationship!"

Dr. Coomer chuckled. "I think Mr. Freeman doth protest too much!"

" _ **LISTEN!--**_ " 

A shot rang out, cement splintering off the wall above Gordon's shoulder.

"I. Want. To. Go. Home. Now," said Bubby, the pistol in his hand still smoking.

Gordon sighed in exasperation but nodded profusely. " _God--_ yes, please let's keep moving."

"You'll just have to get married to Benry _**after**_ the test!" Said Dr. Coomer.

Gordon could feel the vein in his forehead pulsing as he took several… _several_ controlled breaths. " _Just ignore it, Gordon. Just ignore it_ ," he muttered under his breath as he resumed following alongside the chaotic trio as they made their way through Black Mesa.

**Author's Note:**

> I wash my hands of this


End file.
